EEERRRRRR

So every other day I've set my alarm, (Thu. Fri. Sat. Sun. Mon. Tue.), the days when I need my alarm to go off. It doesn't. Today, my day off-it sure of hell goes off. Errrrrrr. I am so irritated. I'll write later now I'm going to take out the whiners...

Differences

So...just reading through Jess's entries...A lot of people remark how different Jess and me are. I think one of the biggest differences is how we react to people and how we feel/display our emotions. Jess is a much warmer person than I am. She makes friends easily, and she generally seems to make good friendships. (I still need to meet Kat). I on the other hand make friends very, very, very slowly, and even the friends I have at the moment are not close friends. Jess says I hold people at distance which is true. I think some people would say that Jess does not hold anyone at a distance, which is not true. Jess just has several distances. :( She has the superficial distance, and several other distances. Jess lets many people embrace the superficial distance, but only a select few progress further. The sad thing is that many don't even know they're at the superficial distance because she gives so much of herself at the superficial distance. :) I listen to people but I don't usually say anything about myself that matters with them. I have many acquaintances, people I am nice too, people I like but people that I do not trust. When I want to be charming I can be but that doesn't mean the people I'm nice too mean anything to me. Jess is always charming, it's a natural mode of being for her, I don't think she can turn it off. Even when she's being a bitch, she's being a polite bitch. Jess says that people either love or hate her, people don't generally notice me. I'm rather vanilla when I want to be. Jess is loud and outgoing and wonderful. Generally I'm the quiet one in the back whispering sarcastic comments to my friends-ya know the one everyone thinks about when they watch the movie Carrie. Right now Jess is having a lot of problems in her life I think Jess wants to live life too much. She gives herself wholeheartedly into anyone she knows, and that hurts her. Hurts her when the one she gives her heart to someone who doesn't care or who cannot return her love. I haven't given my heart to anyone outside my family, and I am fine with that. It takes a long time for me to trust anyone, and so far my tentative trust in people has been destroyed over and over again. That includes my family, it's difficult to trust anyone in my family, that doesn't mean I don't love them though. Jess says I have abandonment issues, which is true and I do think my issues with my family and friends have changed the way I respond to everybody. Jess has many of the same issues I have but she keeps trying to reach out, and the ones who are supposed to help her keep stomping on her heart.

Many times I look at my sister and I feel like I'm older than her, I think I've been trying to take care of her since I was born. Mom says that I was an old soul, and I tend to agree. Simply because I don't remember a time when I wasn't cynical about the world and the people in it. And my view of the world has only been reinforced by the people around me. Jess is so naive, and I love that about her. I do. When I think of Jess the mental image I see is a bright orange, blue flower floating above it's stalk, smelling lovely. My sister is like that I think. If someone were to ask what kind of flower I am, I am the dark little flowers that flourish without sunlight where funky things grow. And I'm fine with that.

The thing that pisses me off is that the people who are suppossed to care about her don't. They don't care enough, that might be something they can't help I don't know. But that isn't her only problem. I don't think she cares enough about herself either. And that really pisses me off.

I know I'm a cynical little troll emotionally, but my sister shouldn't be, and I think she's well on the road to finding my spot under the bridge.