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Dear Person X, you are a stranger to me. I have met you only once. Today as I was walking along the sidewalk behind you, you and your small band of pretentiously tortured friends were discussing the way someone had just spectacularly eaten dust i.e. fell from their bike and crashed into the granite after saying these fateful words" This isn't going to end well". I was enjoying the weather, walking slowly, not paying attention to anyone when one of your friends rode up. Observing the ponderous pace at which you were moving - equivalent to that of a small ant trapped in a vat of honey- he said "X you're moving really slow and holding up traffic" traffic referring to not only me, but the ten people behind me, who possibly were not metaphorically slowing down to smell the roses, whereupon your group parted like the red sea. I advanced and passed quickly through your small clique and as I cleared the group you said these sad sad words. "Why doesn't someone use their off road shoes little girl" followed by "I'm not really being an asshole". Which is where I said: Actually you are being an asshole" to the flabbergasted crowd of groupies who quivered at the way in which I spoke to their leader. Now this is where I must explain something to you dear person, X and all others who use your same faulty logic.
X, if anytime in the near future you feel yourself opening your mouth to say the dreaded words: "I'm not really being an asshole" after you have, in fact, just behaved like an asshole I want you to stop and smack yourself up the side of the head.
If you have to say that you're not being an asshole...you are. You are behaving in a way that an asshole behaves. Please, if you are behaving in such a way don't make an even bigger asshole of yourself by saying that you are not in fact an asshole. You have only two options in this situation. Option A: Bear it like a man/woman, grit your teeth and simply say: "Sorry". Not "Sorry I'm not really being an asshole" or "Sorry I'm not really being a jerk i.e. asshole" because you are being an asshole. or Option B: Glory in your freedom, revel in your ability to be an asshole. (The surgeon general says Option B should be used with caution and may cause pain and/or death).
Everyone has moments when they behave like assholes. It happens to the best of the human race. However, in these moments when you are desperately searching for a way to apologize don't cop out, don't pull out the : "I'm really not a jerk in real life." or "This isn't how I act normally" or "I'm not really an asshole".
There are two groups of people you might feel the need to say these hated words to: Group A: your friends/family and Group B: strangers. Your friends and family already know whether or not you are asshole, therefore there is no need for the words. End of story for group A. Group B is a little trickier. Strangers most likely don't know anything about you. (Strange I know, since you are the center of the universe). They learn who you are by the things you say and do, which means that the only way a stranger is going to discover you are not an asshole is by seeing the way you behave. Again, there is no need to say the words.
footnote: The phrase I'm not being an asshole is equivalent to other common phrases. For instance, I'm not a mean person, I'm not really being mean, I'm not someone who normally eats moldy cheese, I'm not the kind of person who kicks small children.
If you have to explain that you are not in fact a person who kicks small children, that means that you have probably just kicked a herd of small children and are gleefully rejoicing in your kicking abilities. If you have to tell someone you are not the kind of person who normally eats cheese then you most likely just ate an entire block of moldy cheese to their horror and shock. Understand now, X?
X, if anytime in the near future you feel yourself opening your mouth to say the dreaded words: "I'm not really being an asshole" after you have, in fact, just behaved like an asshole I want you to stop and smack yourself up the side of the head.
If you have to say that you're not being an asshole...you are. You are behaving in a way that an asshole behaves. Please, if you are behaving in such a way don't make an even bigger asshole of yourself by saying that you are not in fact an asshole. You have only two options in this situation. Option A: Bear it like a man/woman, grit your teeth and simply say: "Sorry". Not "Sorry I'm not really being an asshole" or "Sorry I'm not really being a jerk i.e. asshole" because you are being an asshole. or Option B: Glory in your freedom, revel in your ability to be an asshole. (The surgeon general says Option B should be used with caution and may cause pain and/or death).
Everyone has moments when they behave like assholes. It happens to the best of the human race. However, in these moments when you are desperately searching for a way to apologize don't cop out, don't pull out the : "I'm really not a jerk in real life." or "This isn't how I act normally" or "I'm not really an asshole".
There are two groups of people you might feel the need to say these hated words to: Group A: your friends/family and Group B: strangers. Your friends and family already know whether or not you are asshole, therefore there is no need for the words. End of story for group A. Group B is a little trickier. Strangers most likely don't know anything about you. (Strange I know, since you are the center of the universe). They learn who you are by the things you say and do, which means that the only way a stranger is going to discover you are not an asshole is by seeing the way you behave. Again, there is no need to say the words.
footnote: The phrase I'm not being an asshole is equivalent to other common phrases. For instance, I'm not a mean person, I'm not really being mean, I'm not someone who normally eats moldy cheese, I'm not the kind of person who kicks small children.
If you have to explain that you are not in fact a person who kicks small children, that means that you have probably just kicked a herd of small children and are gleefully rejoicing in your kicking abilities. If you have to tell someone you are not the kind of person who normally eats cheese then you most likely just ate an entire block of moldy cheese to their horror and shock. Understand now, X?
